Each of us has a unique fertility journey. Fertility isn’t fair. It’s like health in general. It’s absolutely true that healthcare systems and the social fabric of where and when we live affects us differently and all aspects of fertility.
This means that a lot of us experience fertility set-backs, such as infertility, experiencing one or more biochemical pregnancies or miscarriages, requiring surgery, being diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) or endometriosis, requiring treatment like IVF, or requiring donor sperm, eggs or embryos or surrogacy. The list goes on (and how easily we get and stay pregnant does mean anything about how deserving you are of being a parent)
It makes it easy to be hard on ourselves and that’s a common reaction.
It’s also common to feel like you need to do everything perfectly, which isn’t possible, and then feel worse because you didn’t meet your expectation.
Finding ways to be gentle toward yourself can have a huge positive impact on your mood and even ability to maintain the feeling of being fertile and healthy. Being more gentle with yourself could affect your relationships, decision-making and how you resilient you feel. These can be new skills that takes time to develop and practice over time, and if you’re new to it these tips might help you at least get started.
1. Be aware of and challenge your harsh thoughts.
Notice harsh thoughts by meeting them with lightness and curiosity and by talking to them playfully. This gentleness technique is about non-judgement. Here’s an example.
The thought: “I’m such a failure”
Internal response to the thought: “Oh how interesting, I’m having a thought that I’m a failure. Hello, there, thought! I’m so curious about where you (the thought) came from. It’s fascinating how our bodies can come up with these ideas. You’re a thought though, not a fact. Do I actually agree with you/ this thought? No, and I accept that you’re here temporarily”
2. Do specific, gentle exercises with your body.
Choosing to do things with your body that feel gentle (embodiment, somatic movement). This is where what we learn about neuroscience comes in handy. We know that body movement can give the loud message to your brain that all is well and that gentle movement means gentle thinking.
One way is to give yourself a few butterfly hugs a day, either in silence or not.
One way is to give yourself a gentle caress of your arms with your finger tips and along your neck, face and shoulders. That light touch has the same effect.
3. Play soft, relaxing music.
Look up “gentle music” or “spa music” in Spotify, Apple Music, YouTube or wherever you search for your music. Choose something that makes you feel lighter, like soft piano music and sway to the music, noticing the most tense sensations in your body and welcoming them to be there
4. Put on soft lighting.
Change your bulbs or lamps or put on fewer lights. It’s time to set the gentle mood. Consider a bath by candlelight. Try soy or beeswax candles (which are more fertility friendly than scented generic candles) or put the light dimmer on low. Reinforce the gentleness that you chose to give yourself here. Talk to your doctor before the bath if you’re doing an egg retrieval, recovering from laparoscopic surgery or you’re in confirmed or potential early pregnancy about whether baths are healthy for you right now.
5. Use gentle, positive self talk.
Talk to yourself like you’re the most supportive and gentle cloud-like friend you’ve ever had. What would you like to hear said to you that’s really gentle and kind? What does support look like right now? Maybe imagine them behind you, physically supporting you in that way. Leave yourself notes on a post-it in the mirror, or have them as your phone Lock Screen, or put them in your calendar so you get the reminder daily. Leave your home every morning and say these few sayings to yourself.
6. Talk to a professional.
Pairing your fertility journey with a fertility coach can be a game changer for being able to cope and build hope and resilience and to navigate all the steps. You don’t have to do this alone, without the right tools. There are counsellors and therapists who can help with your past trauma that might have emerged, and help with healthy coping. This is the time to reach out because fertility is a ‘team sport’.
How do you feel after reading this article? Notice if you there’s a shift that’s happened.
If you need more help, book a free initial session using my scheduler.
Gently forward!
