When I was newly struggling to get pregnant I went through that identity question, Am I a mom even without a living child? Eventually I considered myself a mom long before my child came Earth-side, but that was my personal experience and whichever label you need right now (or ever because needs and desires can change) is what’s right for you. What also might give you heartache is certain holidays like Mother’s or Father’s Day. It did for me. Many others feel deep sadness leading up to and on holidays or birthdays. Whether you’re new to struggling with your fertility or not, at this tender time you might be preparing yourself. Good for you for thinking ahead. But don’t forget, you’re facing this alongside many, many others preparing for a hard time. It’s just that they’re in the comfort of their own homes, finding ways for themselves to cope too.
Options for how to prepare for this holidays
To begin, consider how you connect with and understand your emotions so that you know what’s right for you. This includes strategies to process them, to lower your stress, to get in the moment and in your body when it’s right timing, and to have the capacity to do this reflection. Then, start to think about what you need to stay well over this next holiday. Perhaps experiment with a few of these options below. See what feels right.
- Reach out. You may need special time with your partner or other loved one like an intimate dinner. You might specifically ask for what you need from them. Perhaps it’s asking to talk about what you’re going through. Perhaps it’s asking for a dose of laughter with gal pals. Help from a professional also might be what you need.
- Reach in. Delve into your feelings about what the holiday is stirring up. Perhaps journalling or praying or going for a quiet walk. Is it grief of infertility and loss? Is it something else? Being specific can help so much to release and let go and move on – ‘name it to tame it’.
- Take a social media break. It’s a healthy break for us to do sometimes and especially during these triggering times. Perhaps it’s muting or unfollowing someone or a group for a while. Or removing notifications or deleting a social media app from your phone for a period of time.
- Privacy. Staying away from social interactions all together and spending loads of time at home alone might be what you need. Perhaps you need time with a book, cooking or hunkering in and having a laugh or a good cry sounds nourishing.
- And now for something completely different. Perhaps it’s doing something different. Try something new. Gain a whole new perspective. You may want to turn your attention to anything and everything non-fertility related and delve into an adventure and another part of you that you haven’t connected with in a while. Spoil yourself with flowers and indulgent experiences. Or maybe it’s escaping on a holiday or camping nearby. Maybe it’s going on a 5 hour walk.
Or maybe what you need to do isn’t on this list at all. Regardless, you deserve what you need and you’re worthy of honoring yourself with what you need.
A list of holidays that may be triggering
Below is a list of holidays that might stir up feelings. This isn’t a full list and they may be different depending on your faith and where you live.
Mother’s Day. Whether you see yourself as a mom or not, it is often a painful day for many people.
Father’s Day. Those who identify as dads or dads-to-be can feel this day as a reminder of who they aren’t yet.
Halloween. Photos of babies and kids in cute costumes invade social media and are literally in your face knocking on your door.
Winter holidays including Christmas and New Years Day. December and early January are often a time to focus on family and photos of big, happy ones are circulated.
April Fools’ Day. People posting false pregnancies as a joke can be emotionally heartbreaking.
Labour Day and the first week of back-to-school in September. Kids flood the sidewalks again before and after school. Commercials of back-to-school sales are everywhere.
Valentine’s Day. It might stir up reflection of the love you have for your partner and also the wee one you desire to create out of that love.
Family Day. This is often dealt with as just a civic day off, but it might make you question the size of your family and who is missing.
Easter. It can be a family time as well as a time for photos of kids chasing chocolate eggs and wearing bunny ears.
Birthdays. It’s marked annually for how old you are but can also mark another year that you haven’t completed your family yet.
Rosh Hashanah.
Yom Kippur.
Hannukah.
Al-Hijra.
Eid.
Ramadan.
It’s very common to be triggered by holidays and it doesn’t say anything about your strength or resilience. I’m part of that club and consider myself a strong person. Welcome to the club.