Start here: trying to become a single parent by choice

July 6, 2022

More and more people are trying to get pregnant on their own without a romantic partner or co-parent. Plus, there are new support systems. That said, all of that is highly dependent on where in the world you live. For this reason and many others, deciding whether to enter into your fertility journey single takes reflection.

There are considerations for this adventure that awaits.

For starters, wanting to become a choice parent can be something you feel you want long before you even start your fertility journey. Whether you’re certain or not, scroll down for some considerations.

7 considerations for when you’re trying to become a choice parent

1. Be prepared for uncovering the unknowns. Like for everyone, fertility is unpredictable . Life might not look like what you’d pictured it and your fertility journey may be the same. For example, you might expect to have your body do what you want it to do but you stumble into some physical roadblocks trying to get pregnant like endometriosis, ovulation issues (can be easier to detect upfront) or a tilted uterus. You might not think of IVF but it could be the answer instead of IUI or trying to manage on your own at home (like with a Diva Cup). Prepare or adjust your expectations accordingly.

2. Create your support system starting…now. Whether you’re just deciding or are already firm in taking the leap, consider connecting with fellow choice parents if you haven’t already. The advice and lived experience from others might give you clarity as well as the first step in forging the connections you need to create your village for 1) your fertility journey and 2) to raise your potential child(ren). Anyone stepping into the fertility journey I say you need a network of supportors and it’s even more important for single parents by choice, in my humble opinion. You might even start a group chat or social media group to make it easy to be there for you which includes friends and family, like parents, grandparents and aunties.

3. Almost all choice parents say that they don’t regret their decision. Sifting through stories and sentiments, this is often the case when choice parents reflect on their choice years later. This is anecdotal, but worth mentioning. I’m not here to sway your decision, I’m just passing this along that most vocal choice parents proclaim they don’t regret their decision to try to step into parenthood. One common pleasant surprise is not having another parent to have to confer with to make decisions, you can make them unilaterally and not have to compromise.

4. You won’t necessarily remain single forever. Of course if you wish to remain single or haven’t ever wanted a romantic relationship, then this won’t apply. However, choosing to start your fertility journey to become a single parent by choice doesn’t mean you’ve ended your dating life forever if you don’t want to. Sure, you’ll probably be waiting at least past the baby stage, if you do have a baby, or at least until you’ve adjusted to life as a parent before dating but anything is possible. Many people decide to date again.

5. Research donor conception extensively. For donor sperm, you have so many options starting with known donor (you know them) or anonymous (as it implies) or through an agency or consultancy where you can choose whether your sperm donor is open to meeting your potential donor conceived child(ren) or not. That process is lengthy. The laws vary by country and region. Thinking from the perspective of your future child, and speaking with a donor conception community (in Canada Donor Conception Canada and in the UK, Donor Conception Network and in the US, Donor Conceived Council) is a great idea. Keep in mind that when you do the reading you want to make sure you get a number of perspectives since there are varying opions and experiences. If you’re thinking of using a known donor think about and research the possibility that the donor could apply for custody for the child one day if they chose to pursue that. Again, laws may be in place but it’s something to consider. A consideration is about custody and if you have them sign a legal document, depending on the laws of the jurisdiction you’re in. You’ll want a lawyer specialized in fertility involved.

5. Talk to other parents about how life is different now that they’re a parent. Life won’t be the same as when it was just you. Talking to others who have been there about that experience might help make the decision or prepare you for how life will change: personally, professionally, socially and romantically. There are more, but I’ll leave it at that for now.

6. Consider seeing a fertility coach and a counsellor. I offer this gently, as for anyone deciding to become a parent or not. Mental health concerns are likely to intensify once you try or get pregnant or have a baby. Parenthood (usually) brings them up to the surface – and if you struggle to get pregnant, you’ll likely face those mental health challenges – so I always suggest to see your therapist or counsellor if it’s been a while or if you’ve ever considered seeing one. Also, if you’d like to go over this in a coaching session I offer this preparation as you enter into this new stage, focusing on your fertility but also all other areas of your life to prepare for this potential life change.

7. Count on resources. More info! Here are some to get you started. If you’re overwhelmed, just choose one. You don’t need to do it all. There’s an endless supply and sometimes you pick and choose and then it’s time to make a decision. Think about how you’ll feel once you do, whichever you decide. Start from that place and you might make your decision with more confidence.

Podcasts

Not by Accident – story of an Australian woman who becomes a single parent by choice while living in Europe
Choice Chat podcast – a whole range of topics from fertility to navigating donors, to single parenting.
The Single Greatest Choice
Mocha SMC
Sperm Cast
The Stork and I
Motherhood Reimagined

Websites

Facebook Groups

Queer Single Parents by Choice
City-based and regional groups
Single Mothers by Choice Canada

Books

Catalogue Baby: A Memoir of (In) Fertility by Myriam Steinberg.
Do I Want to Be a Mom? by Diana Dell and Suzan Brem. Co-written by one woman who chose to have children, and another woman who chose not to.
Choosing Single Motherhood: A Thinking Woman’s Guide by Mikki Morrissette.
Single Mothers by Choice: A Guidebook for Single Women
Who Are Considering or Have Chosen Motherhood by Jane Mattes.
Knock Yourself Up by Louise Sloan. A US-based single mother by choice.
Going Solo by Genevieve Roberts
Single by Chance, Mothers by Choice: How women are choosing parenthood without marriage and creating the new American family by Rosanna Hertz.
Panic and Joy on My Solo Path to Motherhood by Emma Brockes.