Do you wish there was a questionnaire to find out, When should I (or we) start to try and get pregnant? Wouldn’t that be great? But it’s more complicated than that for a lot of us. I thought it would be a clear yes or no like a on-off switch. Instead it’s been a mirky, wishy-washy feeling that changed and morphed over time. That can be common if it’s your first time you’re deciding this, a long time, for another child, your first and whether it’s after a long break from trying.
The indecision is in part because there are so many different values at play and areas of life to consider. There are competing external pressures from others and expectations that we internalize.
To help, it’s becoming more common to look inward as well as outward for answers. That’s where coaches and other helping professionals come in with proven methods. Only you know when or if it’s the right time to (re)start your fertility journey, but a trusting intimate conversation with a coach may bring the answer to the surface with more ease.
Another way is to using coaching techniques on your own. Here’s one below. It’s adapted from an activity I use in my own coaching practice. Even though it’s not as effective as a session, it might stir up insight for you – give it a try!
An activity to gain clarity
- Find a quiet place that you find relaxing and where you won’t be disturbed for 10 to 20 minutes. Take some deep breaths and really be in the room and in your body. Give yourself a minute or two. Have a pen and paper ready
- Once you’re ready, write down a list of all the factors that are important to you in making this decision. If you scroll down this article you’ll see many considerations to get you started, but make the list that’s unique to you. There’s no wrong one and there’s no minimum or maximum number of considerations either.
- Rate each consideration out of 10 in terms of how important they are to you where 1 is not very important to you and 10 out of 10 is very important.
- Review the list. Sit with it. Notice what stands out, without judgement. Then circle the ones that you want to highlight. What do you notice as you did this? What have you learned that you didn’t before?
- If you have a partner, they could do the same exercise on their own and then you could review each of your results together.
- Remember: this is a DIY tool for getting more clear but it can’t replace coaching. Send me an email if you want any clarification on how to do this or if you want to discuss your results. Have fun with it!
Considerations for when to start to try and get pregnant
Have a support system in place. The phrase It takes a village to raise a child is common for a reason. You just can’t do it all alone and I speak from experience. There are also plenty of ways for families to support one another and share the load and hired support too.
Clarity on who is the co-parent or on choosing single parenthood. Similar to above, you may want to be clear on who you want to have a baby with or be part of raising your child(ren). That may be obvious if you have a spouse or you already know you’d want to be a single parent and you’re determining who will support you in raising the child(ren). Having stability in those relationships may factor in.
Healing from fertility trauma such as a miscarriage. This is a gentle consideration. Healing looks different from person to person. It’s often not linear. Many people start trying immediately after a failed IVF or miscarriage or other trauma and others need more time to heal before facing the options. Many people (including myself) are never 100% ready because of the fear of another loss.
Timing of marriage, if applicable. If getting married before having a child is important to you, that timeline might factor in big time. The decision about when you’re tying the knot and how long after you marry before you’d like to wait to bring an addition into your family is all part of the decision.
Age and physically getting and staying pregnant. Biologically speaking, earlier is almost always better for the person carrying the child and using their own eggs, including the age of a potential gestational carrier (less so) or surrogate. The the chance of conception and carrying a baby to a live birth and the lower the quality and quantity of eggs is impacted by age, more or less. Age is more of a factor up at various milestones e.g. turning 32, 37, and 42. This is less so for the sperm supplier, but still a factor. Age isn’t everything and thanks to science and medical advancements, there’s more in our control than ever before.
Timing with career or education. This is a common one. If you have ambitions for your career, this may be a reason to wait. If you’re racing to finish a degree or to get that promotion at work, a child might take a backseat.
Others around you are or will soon try to get pregnant. It’s common to want to get pregnant at the same time or not much after close friends or certain family members in order to share in the experience and support one another. It’s a factor. If you’ve had a long fertility journey to get to this point this consideration might bring up grief over feeling left behind. I get it and I’m sorry this is part of your journey.
Maturity, life experience and energy levels. Another factor that is often correlated with age is having the belief that you’ve hit the maturity level and life experience you want, to be the parent you want to be. Again, there’s no right or wrong way to factor this in and it doesn’t necessarily have to be age. Also, having the energy to parent may factor in since it does take time and energy to nurture babies and kiddos and this also may be related to age. It might matter a lot less depending on the size of your support system and if you have your mental health needs met.
A feeling of being ready to try. Some people say they eventually felt fully ready while others say it never came. It’s OK to be ready and scared at the same time. I didn’t feel fully ready when I first started trying the first time and the second time around it’s not been clear either.
Extended family and/or religious values. There may be expectations from your community about when and how many children you have and you may need to navigate your desires and needs against what your community asks or expects of you.
You know you want to be a parent and you’ll find meaning in your life in trying to be one. If you aren’t a parent yet, you might feel that trying to become a parent is part of your purpose in life.
Saving up enough money. Some families want to save up a nest egg of money before expanding their family. If you know you’ll require fertility treatment that is expensive then that may be a factor in terms of when or if to try based on your financial capabilities.
Physical or mental health concerns. Perhaps a physical or mental health concern is something you face that you need to factor in. You might be battling depression or anxiety for the first time or need to adjust medication and that might delay your plan for trying. Devoting time to your other whole-person needs is always a factor in any decision.
Other health concerns such as disordered eating. Disordered eating is quite common and it’s become more prominent since the Covid-19 pandemic. What nutrients you need and being in the best shape possible might be a factor for you to consider. Talk to your doctor if you are new to exploring this.
You know you’ll need fertility treatment or an alternative option. If you know you’ll rely on options such as (more) IUI, IVF, donor conception, and/or fostering a child or adoption, you have different considerations than those who don’t know if they do. The time and money it takes to try may factor in.
You think you’ll have challenges getting pregnant. If this is your first time trying, you might know you’ll struggle to conceive. The fertility journey can be unknown.
Creating a ‘forever home’. Some people wait to have a child until they’ve determined that they’re living in the place they want to raise their (next) child. My partner and I moved across the country to be closer to my family before we started trying, although we did’t have a forever home yet. Many people start trying before they have the home they plan to bring their child home to or ‘forever home’ established (that includes apartments, condos and co-ops too). Others wait or know they’ll need to move eventually but still have a healthy, loving home environment.
Other children. If you already have a child or children, you might be considering how many you want in total, potentially how many years apart they are, and what you need in place to make that work. Some people want a wide gap, some want them as close together as possible and some people contemplate or are sure they want only one child. Of course we know we don’t have full control over this either.
Valuing a big family. Some people are certain they want a big family and so age and options for how to build a large family come into play.
Fear of being an inadequate parent. This is especially common among individuals or couples who they themselves did not have ideal parent role models in their childhood. Or they may have had traumatic or abusive childhoods. It’s a legitimate concern that can require some counselling and exploration. Hypnotherapy can be a great option for understanding and facing the subconscious feelings around parenting, among other therapeutic techniques.
Other circumstances such as illness or death in the family. A major life event such as losing a loved one like your parent or your partner’s parent may factor in. For example, if a parent is given only a short amount of time left to live, some people choose to try and to get pregnant before they die or have a baby so that they can meet their grandchild. Perhaps it’s the health of your current child(ren) that you need to consider.
What you value the most is what matters the most. Good luck!
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