Pregnancy loss healing almost inevitably involves grieving.
Grieving who the little being would have grown up to be, grieving a timeline, grieving who to be pregnant and raise children at the same time, grieving how you used to face pregnancy versus a potential future pregnancy, grieving sense of self, grieving how loved ones responses, and other endless ways.
It’s extremely personal. There is no identical way to grieve between any 2 people.
I was recently in Mexico City and got to explore some of the moving art by Frida Kahlo and a window into how she grieved her own pregnancy losses. She had been through a motor vehicle accident that affected her body’s ability to maintain a pregnancy, but she attempted so many times. Her pain is all over the canvases. She painted the grief of her miscarriages in colour and depth.
That was part of her healing and painting might be yours, too.
If you’re exploring other ways, these are 5 potential ways to consider on your healing journey and cherry pick what’s right for you.
But first…
Before I dive into these tools, a wonderful consideration at any stage is exploring a fertility specialized counsellor. A registered therapist, psychologist, counsellor or other health professional who specializes in fertility might be your best bet if you’re feeling lost on where to turn to or what to do. It might be the counsellor you’ve had for your years, or it might be that they aren’t quite aware of fertility in this way and it’s time to explore an additional support. Perhaps it’s your first time ever considering therapy ever. Wherever you’re at, getting into your emotions of grief and what you need is what a mental health professional like a registered therapist can do. Shop around, you don’t need to choose the first one you find. Not everyone is the right fit.
Write a letter from your future self.
Imagine a future you. It’s any point in the future that feels right to you. It’s the future you who has farther along in the grieving process.What would they have to say to you? Maybe she’s validating what you’re going through. Maybe she’s reminding you that you’re not alone. “I’m here for you, I’ve got you”. Notice that she’s curious, compassionate, kind and loving towards the current you. Your future comes with so much wisdom and strength, and so much love. Think about what this future self would say that would be helpful. IWhat healing words do they have to say? Is there anything they want you to know?
Guided meditation on processing grief.
There are so many online guided videos and podcasts on how to process grief it’s probably overwhelming. A free one to explore is Insight Timer that has many videos and guided meditations to process grief. There are so many modalities, sometimes it’s somatic work, sometimes it’s singing, sometimes it’s doing it with your loved one. There are a wealth of options on YouTube, too.
https://insighttimer.com
Read a book for wisdom.
There are so many different options but a few specific to healing from pregnancy loss are. A few to consider:
- Healing Your Grieving Heart After Miscarriage: 100 Practical Ideas for Parents and Families by Alan Wolfelt
- Not Broken: An Approachable Guide to Miscarriage and Recurrent Pregnancy Loss by Lora Shahine
- Saying Goodbye By Zoë Clark-Coates
- It’s OK Not to Be OK: meeting grief and loss in a culture that doesn’t understand by Megan Devine
- When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times by Pema Chödrön
- Life Goes On by Gail Belanger
- The Queer Parent by Lotte Jeffe and Stu Oakley
Create a ceremony or ritual.
As part of the healing guidance you might see the suggestion to do some kind of letting go ritual that honours your loss little one. It might be lighting a candle, naming them and putting them somewhere like a plaque on a tree, a tattoo on you and your partner (e.g. the comparable sized fruit that the little bean was when they passed) or write a letter that you burn or set adrift in a body of water.
Find others who understand.
There are so many methods to finding others who can undersgtand your grief and what your healing needs. Social media, anonymous searching or not, can be a source. There’s also Reddit, and sources from your AI chatbot. Support groups exist around the world, in-person or virtual.
Whatever you decide to grieve, it doesn’t have to make sense to anyone but you.
Now, when it comes to some hands-on guidance there are fertility coaches like myself, too. We can help with the decisions ahead such as if or when to try again based on what the medical advice says in general and specific to what your doctor says, your various needs, and wants and if partnered, theirs also. Book a free session, just click the picture below.
